Life's not fair.

Seems to me, it's not fair to like someone very much but to not be liked back even one iota.

While Ye May.....

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a-flying: And this same flower that smiles to-day To-morrow will be dying. The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun, The higher he's a-getting, The sooner will his race be run, And nearer he's to setting. That age is best which is the first, When youth and blood are warmer; But being spent, the worse, and worst Times still succeed the former. Then be not coy, but use your time, And while ye may, go marry: For having lost but once your prime, You may for ever tarry.

I'm insane....(I think)

I'm moving again. New country, new firm. Will I find what I am looking for this time? Do I even know what it is I am looking for? I don't know how much longer I can keep changing these variables and expecting a different result. I think I am edging ever closer to Einstein's definition of insanity - repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different result. This is my fourth move in four years....I am well aware this is becoming a bit ridiculous but then it does confirm one thing for me. I am doing darn well in my career because people certainly keep headhunting me and well that bit is very very flattering. I do feel a bit like one of those movie characters who spend all their life focused on this one thing only to realize later in life that they got their priorities all wrong. I am finding myself less and less okay with being alone. Coming home to an empty place is no longer serene and calming but instead dark and lonely. This is a rambling post, mostly because I should be excited and happy about the upcoming changes in my life, except, I am so sure that this is going to change very little in how I feel about myself and the pointlessness of my very existence on this planet. This is really rather scary.

Sunshine

Somehow the beautiful sunny days are the loneliest of all......

O'Monday, where for art thou?

I can't wait to get through this weekend and get to Monday. This week coming could spell the beginning of the end of this bottomless pit I feel like I have been in for the last few weeks. It's going to be a big week for the one thing in my life that has worked well, my career. Here's to staying optimistic and wishing away the entire weekend so that I can get to Monday. :)

Surprise!!!!

Is it possible to know someone for years and always appreciate how smart and sweet and nice she is and then suddenly one weekend of spending lots of time together and you are left sitting on an airplane thinking to yourself..... "I like like this girl"? She was always beautiful but somehow that word now holds a completely different meaning in my mind in reference to her (Oh and that red dress at dinner on Saturday, I'm so glad you waited for it to dry because you made it look amazing). She was her usual wonderful self all weekend, except I was losing my mind wanting to hold her hand when we went for a walk. I don't know what changed but something in my head did. Why does this happen? I can't do anything about this. She has never given me any reason to think that she may have similar feelings for me and I can't take the first step because if - and it's more than likely that it will - this goes wrong I am going to lose the friendship of my most favorite person and I really would rather not. I feel bad for having these feelings because I am proving right all those people who always say men and women can't be platonic friends. We have been friends for years and now all of a sudden this. She would be the one I would talk to about this but I can't. I want to scream and shake my head and make this go away but I can't. I wake up this morning to a stomach full of butterflies and a very strange feeling of almost being depressed. This after one of the most amazing weekends of my life. Stupid brain, why can't you leave well enough alone?

Normal

What is normal? Why do I feel like I am not normal? Why does it take so much effort for me to live up to "normal". This is becoming incredibly exhausting, it used to be so easy to get through the day being what I am supposed to be but it's getting more and more difficult and feels increasingly fake. I hate fake but what choice do I have if I want to be successful at this career lark. It's all I have. I wish I was normal.